Trying not to give up or be jealous

Today I woke up feeling like I'd not slept at all. Everything hurts so much and I'm finding walking a real difficulty. Everyday I hope that when I fall asleep I'll either wake up the next day feeling better or I won't wake up at all. I can't live like this!

Now before you all run off and gather together a suicide watch team to monitor me 24/7, you don't need to bother. I would never take my own life. I love my Family and friends way too much to ever put them through having to deal with that. What I mean by "I can't live like this!" is that things need to change. I either have to find a cure for this horrible condition or I have to learn to live with it better, learn not to hate myself so much, learn to accept that I don't get to do all the stuff other people do.

This weekend a friend of mine and Jon's is in London for a few days. He lives in the USA so this is one of the rare times we will get to meet up with him, but because of my problem walking Jon is going to meet him without me. I'm so Jealous of him being able to go and it makes me cry to think that I could be that selfish. It's not Jon's fault I can't go, but I feel mad at him for being healthy. How crazy is that. How twisted am I to think that way.

I'm such a cow!

I need to sort my head out or my life is going to be pretty shitty, because I'll drive Jon away. God knows what he is doing with me in the first place.

And once again I'm whining. Shut the fuck up Skully!