I'm at the lowest ebb that I've been in a long time. I am supposed to be at the British Juggling Convention this week, but on my way there I got sick. I was vomiting and... well I'll spare you the other details, so once again I had to come home and miss out on seeing all my friends and having fun. I'm just so tired of this illness robbing me of my social life. I'm finding it very hard to keep living. It's very hard to wake up every morning knowing that nothing has changed and that you will have no energy and muscle pain for yet another day and that if you over do it your body will in one way or another flake out on you. So you lay in bed fantasizing that you will wake up well and every time you do wake up and everything is still the same it just breaks your spirit, until you stop fantasizing about waking up well and you fantasize about not waking up at all.
I don't want to be dead, but I don't want my life the way it is, so what do you do?
6 comments:
Dom and Janikka were in Bristol a few weeks ago - they might move here as Janikke might start studying here. Drew and I sat and thought, "hmmmmm... who else can we hijack to Bristol? .... UCOF and Scully!" ...
Maybe then you wouldn't have to go too far to be near friends ;) Drew, Sy, Gayle and Neil aren't at the British - but we're all meeting up for dinner tonight... wouldn't it be lovely if you were here too?
Big hugs to you and hope you feel better soon. Come visit us (we're not as far away as London), and maybe we should organise a trip to Whales soon too ...
I've been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. My mild bit of busyness is overwhelming and I haven't been in touch with people.
After my Dr's appointment I'm going to come back and catch up on your posts.
See you later.
My heart is breaking for you, reading this. I've just been given a short reprieve from all that and now am having problems again. I wish I could come through this computer to come hang with you since I think we are at about the same speed.
I'm not sure how good I'd be at promoting your shop because I can't seem to even get anything in mine but if I was there I could try.
Sorry, I'm just rambling. I just know how much it hurts to have your body not cooperate. I'm sending love and support through my cosmic powers.
Thank you for your love and words of encouragement. I was having a bit of a self centred, selfish, melt down yesterday. Today I feel like I have a better grip on my emotions and the pain.
Yesterday was just one of those slap in the face, disappointment days. On days like those sometimes dying seems like a great option, but when I actually examine what dying means, I realise that it's an even shittier option than putting up with the pain and tiredness.
The thought of never being able to hug my family again or snuggle up to Jon in bed and talk bollox about velociraptors and wabbits makes dying seem like the worst option ever.
I feel truly blessed to have the family and friends I do. Thank you for reminding me that people out there do care and do understand.
Keep strong Missy Locks. I think you are an amazingly wonderful person. Who knows, maybe I'll get over my fear of being locked in side small spaces and get on a plane and come hang with you and the boys. I'll teach them how to freak you out even more by playing with fire hoops :)
If you didn't occasionally do "self centered stupid rants", and then get supportive comments, how would you remind yourself of the friends you have...? ;)
Hey, do not apologize! I've been there and felt absolutely shocked with myself that I thought there was no reason to be here. I talked about it a little and was able to get a grip where my thoughts were going.
Your thoughts and feeling are valid in every way.
...and now I'm assessing my yard to see how well it would work for fire hooping. My yard is huge but has strategically placed shrubs and trees. Yup, there's lots of space!
Come on over any time! As long as I have this house, I'll have lots of space.
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