Monday, 31 March 2008

I've found him!

He finally called today. He and Nick are both fine and on their way home. I'll kick his teeth in when he gets here... not really. I'll hug his little socks off probably. Pfffft Boys!

No sleep, worried sick

Now I know that I shouldn't worry, but I do. I worry about stupid things all the time. I also have a vivid imagination which makes it worse as I always imaging really bad things happening to my loved ones when I don't know they are safe.

Jon is missing... well not really missing. He just isn't home yet from the BJC. Everyone else is home. They have all been talking to me on MSN asking "Is Jon home yet?" Now there is a chance Jon and Nick went off after the BJC to see a friend, as this was discussed before setting off, but I'm not sure. Jon's phone just tells me he can't receive calls, so now all I have left are images in my head of Nick and Jon in an up turned car in a ditch somewhere.

This is stupid I know, but the image is so strong that I didn't sleep all night and now in my tired state I'm unable to think very rationally and I'm panicking.

Knowing Jon he's stroll through the door later without a worry in the world, not even realising he has stressed the hell out of me. If his phone is dead does he not know he can use landlines to tell me he is ok? Arrrgggghhhhhh! MEN!

Friday, 28 March 2008

Where I'd like to be right now instead of here.

Jon and I both have a hankering to move from the house we are in now to live on a houseboat. Now we know to sink all our house money into a boat would be a bit of a mistake and that we would be better off investing in bricks and mortar, so what we need to do is find a property to buy, rent out that property and then use the mortgage money from the house to buy the boat. That all takes time and a lot of research and energy (something I've been lacking for a while).

The other problem we have is we want to move to Bristol or the surrounding area, but getting a property we can afford might be a problem... also unless we can find our ideal boat on a mooring already in Bristol, to buy a boat and to move it to Bristol means we have to find a mooring... which are rarer than hens teeth.

I've already seen 2 boats I'd be really happy to live on board. This one is my favourite at the moment.

This barge "Warrior" 86 foot long so it's going to be very hard to find it a mooring in Bristol. It's currently in Wallasea Island, Essex, UK, which is the only reason I'm not sorting out a way of paying for it now!

The second boat "Nieuwe Zorg" at nearly 100 ft long will be even harder to find mooring for, but again it's very beautiful, has high ceilings that allow Jon to juggle on board, and it's very nicely fitted out, although it's not quite finished. This one is currently in London but comes with no mooring, so we would have to move it as soon as it was purchased.

The honest reality is that we would probably never be able to find a mooring for either of these boats in Bristol, but a girl can dream as she lays in bed, surfing the net on her laptop, trying not to vomit again.

Ah for the power of imagination. Now all I have to do is turn it into reality.

Thursday, 27 March 2008

Ebb and Flow

I'm at the lowest ebb that I've been in a long time. I am supposed to be at the British Juggling Convention this week, but on my way there I got sick. I was vomiting and... well I'll spare you the other details, so once again I had to come home and miss out on seeing all my friends and having fun. I'm just so tired of this illness robbing me of my social life. I'm finding it very hard to keep living. It's very hard to wake up every morning knowing that nothing has changed and that you will have no energy and muscle pain for yet another day and that if you over do it your body will in one way or another flake out on you. So you lay in bed fantasizing that you will wake up well and every time you do wake up and everything is still the same it just breaks your spirit, until you stop fantasizing about waking up well and you fantasize about not waking up at all.

I don't want to be dead, but I don't want my life the way it is, so what do you do?

Thursday, 20 March 2008

Trying not to give up or be jealous

Today I woke up feeling like I'd not slept at all. Everything hurts so much and I'm finding walking a real difficulty. Everyday I hope that when I fall asleep I'll either wake up the next day feeling better or I won't wake up at all. I can't live like this!

Now before you all run off and gather together a suicide watch team to monitor me 24/7, you don't need to bother. I would never take my own life. I love my Family and friends way too much to ever put them through having to deal with that. What I mean by "I can't live like this!" is that things need to change. I either have to find a cure for this horrible condition or I have to learn to live with it better, learn not to hate myself so much, learn to accept that I don't get to do all the stuff other people do.

This weekend a friend of mine and Jon's is in London for a few days. He lives in the USA so this is one of the rare times we will get to meet up with him, but because of my problem walking Jon is going to meet him without me. I'm so Jealous of him being able to go and it makes me cry to think that I could be that selfish. It's not Jon's fault I can't go, but I feel mad at him for being healthy. How crazy is that. How twisted am I to think that way.

I'm such a cow!

I need to sort my head out or my life is going to be pretty shitty, because I'll drive Jon away. God knows what he is doing with me in the first place.

And once again I'm whining. Shut the fuck up Skully!

Friday, 14 March 2008

The slacker returns!

I've been really slack at keeping posting in this blog. Things around here have been busy and my body is in a state of falling apart. It refuses to work as it should and that's really been bringing me down. I've pasted a smile on my face most days and tried to just get on with it but I've reached melt down point now and it's going to be either a case of getting rid of my Etsy shop or employ someone to do the publicity for it. I can't keep up with making stock and doing all the advertising and networking that goes with making it a success. The only problem is, the shop doesn't make enough money to warrant me paying someone else... I'm reluctantly coming to the conclusion that it will probably have to go, but that would just plunge me into a deep depression at having failed at yet another project just because of this damn illness and my useless body.

I hate having M.E.!

Actually that statement isn't so true. I've had M.E. for 22 years and that's what I hate. I wouldn't be the person I am now if I hadn't got M.E. and I like the person I am now more than the person I was before, so I have to thank it for that and the many things it has taught me. I just wish now it would let up and give me a chance to finally have a break from it. I'm starting to feel like I'm trapped inside the cage of a body that isn't really mine. Mine, in my head, feels like it should be full of boundless energy and instead I have this one that finds just walking up a flight of stairs a challenge. I'm so tired of being exhausted.

Sorry for my whining. I guess I just needed to see all this written down so that later when I've pulled myself back together again and pasted that smile back on I can remind myself that getting down about it isn't going to help. I guess I'll just have to bite the bullet.... soon I guess... soon