Thursday, 31 January 2008

Today I will be mostly....

.... not achieving anything!

For the last few weeks I've found it very hard to get excited about anything, do anything or really achieve very much. Jon is, as always, so loving and supportive all through out my weird mood swings and tiredness. I don't know that, if it were the other way around, I'd be as patient and kind as he is. He keeps telling me I'm too hard on myself, too critical. I just see myself not getting any better, not rising above the illness, not making any progress. It's so frustrating to be trapped inside a body that not only aches all the time but refuses to be active when I need it to be. It doesn't help that I'm constantly having to fight my own nature of being an impatient person, because to do things in the time scale my head wants me to is made impossible by this stupid malfunctioning body. I feel like I'm constantly letting myself and everyone else around me down.

Grrrrrrrrrrr! If I had the energy I'd kick my own butt for being so whiny and ungrateful! I have, after all, got a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and people that love me. That is so much more than millions of people on this planet! I'm so damn sick of feeling so angry with myself, my body and my life!

"Nurse can you inject me with the happy juice now please!"

Saturday, 12 January 2008

Walk, photograph and sleep

When I woke up this morning the sun was shining for the first time in over a week. Yay sunshine! I got dressed, grabbed a whole bunch of my baby hats, Shamus the supermodel sheep, camera and Jon and went off for a short walk up the Canal to the stone bridge. I wanted to have a go at getting some better, more child friendly photos of my hats. We were out there for about one and a half hours. Shamus behaved and wasn't a bit divaequé even though he is now a supermodel. After about 20 hat changes and hundreds of photos taken by Jon we all came home again to have some lunch. By the time that was all done, all I felt able to do was edit 15 picks, edit 3 listings on etsy and then fall asleep.

Before dropping off to sleep I asked on the etsy forum for people to compare my old photos with the new style ones... I woke up to read a split of , "I like the new" and "I like the old" in the thread. Ho hum, that didn't hep much. I guess the fact that I even asked means that I'm not all the enamoured by them myself.

I better whisper this, I think I need a new supermodel with a more human baby shaped head and neck, but shhhhh don't tell Shamus...

I ache so much now and have a sore throat. I wish my body would stop with all this misbehaving and just find some balance again. Jon is being his usual wonderful self and looking after me, bringing me drinks and kisses whilst I lay in bed with his laptop typing this. I really should go and edit a few more pictures on my computer instead of laying here, but the thought of sitting up at the desk just makes me burn all over. So I'm just going to be a lazy bitch and stay here in bed watching the idiot box, sipping hot black current drink with honey.

I just realised. This trip out today was the first time I'd left the house in about a week. How terrible is that. I really must force myself to go out everyday. Try and build up a bit more strength. Maybe I should take a trip into town to Toys R Us to look for a new photographic model sometime next week. I worry going on my own though, in case my legs go and I'm left sitting on the pavement waiting for someone to come and rescue me. I guess if I don't try I'll never know.

Ok, time for another nap... Have a great day all.

Thursday, 10 January 2008

Wait is over for 2 of the 3

My beautiful recycled leather bound note book/sketch pad arrived and it's gorgeous. Trading Standards replied to me too. Not all that great news one way or the other, kind of limbo with a stay of execution. It looks like I'll be setting up on my own soon, but I can stay at Etsy for now.

The packing for my hoops hasn't arrived yet though. I'll have to chase them up tomorrow, or I'll be running out!

I'm trying hard to stay awake today. Every time I sit down to crochet I find myself falling asleep, so I'm having to get up and walk about. My legs are being rubbish at the moment so all this walking about is hurting somewhat. Oh well.

I hope you are all having a great start to the year.

Wednesday, 9 January 2008

Waiting and waiting and waiting and.....

I'm waiting around for Trading Standards to call me back and let me know if the changes Etsy made by adding the USD to the listings is a big enough change to stop me from having to close my shops there. I'm hoping it is, but if it isn't I guess I'll just have to move onwards and upwards in a different direction.

I'm also waiting for a delivery of a beautiful hand made book that I have purchased from a lady, called Fleassy, that is very into being as green as possible in the way she creates things. She re-cycles most things and used more environmentally friendly goods when she can't find a re-cycled item to do the job. The pages are made of hemp paper, the leather is all re-cycled and the shells she collected herself. She is a most talented person, she also crochet, sews, paints, draws, knits, and makes gorgeous wire wrap jewellery. If you want to contact her email hippyllama[at]

The other thing I'm waiting for is the packaging delivery. It better come soon or I'll be out of the packaging I use to post out the hula hoops... EEK!

Ho Hum.... I never have been very good at waiting.

Monday, 7 January 2008

A day of bad feeling and confusion

Why does the winter make me feel so bad? Why do I feel so tired and so lost all the time? Someone kick me in the arse and tell me to get up and get on with life please, for I fear I might just fade into nothingness very soon.

I may have to close my shops on Etsy. Too many issues to deal with and too much of a bad taste in my mouth. Where do I go from here? To another site that offers space to sell from? To a website all my own? Do people want what I have to sell?

I love the roller coaster of life. It's crazy and fun at times. I just wish it would let me digest my lunch before it sends me hurtling down into another black hole at 150 mph.